My LiveJournal Trick-or-Treat Haul
Cheroki goes trick-or-treating, dressed up as Pregnant Succubus.
haniel_lemur gives you 15 mottled green strawberry-flavoured gumdrops.
heatherkingston gives you 9 dark green raspberry-flavoured gumdrops.
j_wolfman tricks you! You get a scratched CD.
jalacaob gives you 14 blue chocolate-flavoured wafers.
little_xaia gives you 2 pink cinnamon-flavoured pieces of bubblegum.
raymond_hark gives you 13 white grape-flavoured nuggets.
sankinator tricks you! You lose 24 pieces of candy!
toxican gives you 8 light orange coconut-flavoured gummy bats.
xinxiao gives you 3 green watermelon-flavoured wafers.
Cheroki ends up with 40 pieces of candy, and a scratched CD.
Go trick-or-treating! Username:
Another fun meme brought to you by rfreebern.

JAREK. You fucker~!

The fact that my life's choices lead me invariably here is almost mind numbingly shocking. I was supposed to bring these people down. Now I love them more than life itself. My fling with my supposed enemy earned me a chance for true love. And now I have a family. A big one. One that's growing.

Just goes to show you that no matter what you think you know about yourself, your friends, and your life, Fate always has a different idea.

I've started praying again too. ..I know. Me? Religious? I didn't think it was possible, either, but.. Look at me now. It might have been the bullet scare.. or Robin's christmas gift to me last year, paired with his coming back to life. I cried so hard for him. I got so angry. Denise's near death.. and Terk.. so close to the CMF still. I'll just sum it up and say it was ALL OF LAST YEAR. God. So much in a few short months.. But yeah. I'm praying. For my family, those I call my sisters, brothers, and true loves. Their children, should they have any. My children, and my future children. For Muhammed (Who is absolutely adorable to watch squirm when you hug him!) and Rana.. their beautiful baby.

God help us live through the end of this. Some of us have seen what's at the end of this darkness.

I debated for days, to abort the baby I'm carrying.. I'm glad I didn't.. Though it only makes me worry, more. I think I've decided on a name, though. But for superstition's sake, I won't write it in here, or at all. I've got several months yet before I see a face, or even a species.

It would be smart to wait for a surname, no?

Lucas. My little Lucky. ..Now I just get to hope its a boy. Haha!

I was so scared..

It was that feeling, all over again. That dark, empty loneliness. I thought I lost my Life back there.

..I forgot I was wearing kevlar. Heh..

Had a good cry while the medics were yelling at me once we got back to Yeis. How was I supposed to know I was going to get shot? I mean, seriously. The probability of actually getting shot by these poorly trained bastards is truthfully pretty slim.

But that was a close enough call for me to go home.. All the times we -weren't- in kevlar, we were lucky to be in it this time.

Think I'm through with this anyway.. But I don't WANT to go home.. Back to Terk, back to the kids.. I miss them. I miss them, I just.. Not sure I'm ready to give up like that. Give up what life was like. Running, shooting, surviving.. always knowing where the front of this war was. Now I won't know until Ja calls me.

And he better fucking call me often.

..What is with the boys getting shot through the leg? Shiro, Ja, and now it's David's turn. That must suck.. a lot. Oh well. I don't pity him a whole lot. Apparently he can handle the pain.

*One big loopy scrawl, as she sighs*

Should I try one more mission?

..No..

Do I want to..? ..Of course..

Maybe I should find Ja.. wait a bit. I don't exactly want to go home with this bruise. Terk will -never- let me come back.. Then we'll have a fight, he'll threaten to leave, I'll threaten to shoot him again.. ..It'll just get ugly in general..

Then again, maybe that's what I need.. Why I keep him around. ..To keep me from doing stupid, self-destructive, love-blind bullshit that will eventually get myself and my loved ones killed.

*SCRAWL SCRAWL*

I'm going home..

I don't want to be here when and if Denise wakes up, anyway.

[Left in a drawer of her bureau with her journal. It's on a scrap peice of paper, however. Journal is locked.]

I realized recently.. also upon the re-discovery of my journal.. that this immense feeling I can't shake is something I've felt before. It hurts. Like nothing else, it hurts. 

I can't do this.


[Untitled - poem?]

Imagine for a second. Just imagine. Close your eyes and surround yourself with darkness.

You know this darkness. It's comfortable, but cold. It's welcoming but it's terrifying all at the same time. You sleep with this darkness every night.

When you wake again there is a warmth in your arms that you cannot seem to place. It's new. You open your eyes and see a face smiling back at you. And a light. Don't forget the light.

In the eyes of this face is love, trust, acceptance, joy.. and a want. A need. This person needs you. They need everything you have. They love you, as only they can. Recklessly and entirely pure. They need you and all you have, and nothing else. They are dependant. They are Life.

In the face of Life you see everything. Everything that was, everything that is, and all that will be between you and Life. There is Future in the face of Life and there are hopes, dreams, pain, and agony, and everything that comes with living with Life. And life is good.

The next night the darkness isn't so dark and Life is still in your arms. Its heart beating and all that is good remains good and all that is bad remains.. managable. Because you have Life and you are... untouchable.

When you wake, again, you have Life and Life has you. Life smiles at you and all is good in the world.  You see everything you're meant to see with Life, that day, and you feel this connection between you and life grow. And the love from Life is there, stronger than ever and it is good.

And Darkness comes back, perhaps with a name on a badge and in the shape of another. Darkness tricks like that. 

Darkness comes up and rips Life out of your hands. Your arms are cold. Darkness carries Life away to someone else. Someone else who will see all you were meant to see and feel all you were meant to feel. Those things between you and Life are no more. Life won't remember you, sooner, or later. Perhaps even Life doesn't remember you right now. 

In the arms of another.

The light went with Life and you're in darkness again. Comfortable, but cold. Welcoming, but terrifying. 

And you're alone.

Again.

I think my life is beginning to make a little more sense.

Everything and everyone I reach for is probably going to fuck me over before I ever realize it.

Maybe I'm asking for it. Maybe if I turn into some cold-hearted bitch and never attach myself to anyone or anything ever again, I'll come out on top.

(Written between 'off' hours during Vitrian Mission)

It's been a long time since I touched this thing. May be because for a while I thought nothing would help clearing my head. Even organizing my thoughts and putting them on 'paper'. I've got a lot to get out. We'll see if it all makes it down or not.  Putting this on my PADD. I'll delete it later, or something. Wasting time between an earthquake and an assassination. It might not be worth it to transfer it over to my journal at home.

Ezura was something else. It seriously was. It had it's decent moments right before shit kept blowing up. I'd totally give Durrah her props for kissing a cactus and knocking out that suit before he touched me if she hadn't been such a bitch about my flirting capabilities. She can't hate on me. SHE can be just as bad as I am and proved it. Whore. She's such a tramp at random moments, I can't stand her. AND we found out she slept with her PARTNER. That just tickles me. They act like they're married anyway.

I think everybody got shot but her, Kor, and David. My ear got nicked. Now my face is so asymmetrical... I'd see about getting it fixed, but I'm not that vain. Much as I act like it. Fuck it. First battle scar in a long time. It healed fine at least.  Poor new guy got shot in the leg and he STILL pulled through the entire mission. Not only that, but he saved my ass near the end of it, too. Major kudos to you, Fluffbutt. I gave him a hug and a thank you. Don't think he's the cuddly sort. Too bad cause he's fluffy as hell and shorter than my kid sister.

So Ezura was hell. I'm not even going to put on this thing what happened to -me-. I'm just not. It's been a while and gods help me.. Shit's enough to make a grown woman cry. I'm confused and frustrated and want that thing to leave me the fuck alone. Nuff said.

I am now the legal guardian of two orphaned bats. My folks are still taking care of them until school lets out. Much as my dad was glad to have another male in the house, I'm not sure he really wants to put up with ANOTHER teenage girl. Sherry and Jere are good kids, but yeah. Shit happens. He's retired and my stepmom is still working. I don't know what she's doing these days. I try to avoid a bitch these days. The company is good for them though. And the kids need a little more stability before I purposely uproot them again. I think coming back to Athon will be good for them, the only problem is where to keep them? Looking into housing options for around.. June. Or late May.

Here's to hoping.

I wanted to tell Robin, I know he said he wanted a part in it too, but that doesn't seem like it'll happen. I can't -find- him. I've called, tried leaving messages, texts, and emails. I wanted to make sure people stay in contact but psh. Fuck if that'll happen if he's completely AWOL.

This is NOT a nice place to be. Current mission, that is. It just ain't. In order to completely pay off the guns we purchased from somebitch, we have to go and get 5K from some other Natherican bitch that's got a goddamn child slavery ring. Son. Of. A Bitch. Youngest is three?! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE!? I'm going to make him hurt. I really am. And anyone else in that place. They're all fucking dead.

Sigh.

More later. I'm pissed off again. Meditate, then 1 o'clock. Dunno what's going down then yet, either.

I'm fucked.

And I can honestly say, I'm not entirely sure I know what to do about it.

First things first, though. The dinner went well. Actually, it went without a hitch altogether, and it's probably because we all showed up sparkly and in mission-mindset-mode. Seriously. I guess I acted like a child in the sense that I only really spoke when spoken to, with the occassional charming remark towards the conversation and then later talking to the little boy about Litchi fruits.

I like Litchi. Allergic to melons, though.

The kid was adorable. Called me a Jeep Grand Cherokee, no less. Made me think Jeremiah and Sherry would have enjoyed hearing that or being there. They're fine with daddy though. Robin still suggests that I continue my investigation on their family members. Legally they should be with their closest living relative. If their father is alive, it's him. Then any grandparents, and so on. I don't like the idea of passing them off to someone who either doesn't know them or doesn't like the fact that they exist. Frankly, I think they should stay with Daddy.

Robin and I went to the movies. And I got a call. It was on silent, don't worry.. but it was Cheyanne. She should know better, really. I called her back yesterday morning before the dinner and asked what she wanted or needed.

It was nothing.. she just wanted to catch up and chide me about daddy saying something like, "Cheroki finally gave me grandkids!"

Daddy... No. I wish he'd stop. Besides, I'm -gonna- die. If the team doesn't kill me, the missions surely will. Sooner or later, though. At least I know I'm going to die young. I know. I'm so optimistic. Someone make sure I'm buried in my gold dress, if I'm buried at all.

Jarek apologized last night too, bearing gifts. Fantasy book, just like I asked/suggested. I appreciate him trying, and it's really difficult for me to keep grudges (Except.. the ones that last a lifetime). So this is probably me saying I forgive him. All I tried to do was help him understand, but from now on I'm leaving that to whoever else takes it. He shouldn't dick around until Colonel gets involved though. Meh. Robin said he would speak to him.

I'm still having trouble 'not' hearing Heather's thoughts. I don't understand why, unless she's like.. ADD on a psychic level.. Ugh. Maybe my training just sucks. I have to watch my reactions to things I 'overhear' and things directed towards me. Some people find it easier to hold another conversation through thoughts. I think some people don't realize I get a backlash of their emotions too. That's alright. Don't want people to be afraid of me, either.

Ohh, gods, what else.. The food was good last night. Everyone dressed nicely. It was amusing to see, really. Denise had a gorgeous dress, so did Heather. And somehow, I still ended up on the arm of my roomie. He was so unhappy though. A time that should be happy.. I wish I could make him feel better. But there's nothing I can do.

..Ja wants my help. And the thought of it actually makes me sick to my stomach. I won't put it down in words, merely because any premeditated record of it could be our downfall. It's more than risky or dangerous. He actually said it would be 'mundane'. Mundane my ass.

..I don't know whether.. ..shit. Just shit. I could 'say something' but the boss ..

Don't know. And I'm not going to say a damn word.

Shit. I'm gonna die.

At least I know I'm gonna die young.